What is Love?
But a four letter word that defined the better part of my existence.
Growing up, Love was that one word that held me hostage. That tied up my insides and made me pull and push till I was spent. Why won’t they love me? Why was I never enough? I wanted desperately to feel loved (not necessarily romantic love).
I’m not sure where it all began or how I got myself entangled in this “Love and self-loathing web” but as you can imagine, I grew up not knowing how to properly process my emotions nor how to show love and thinking that I was not enough.
These days, I look back and want to beat myself up for letting some of the best years of my life be immersed in darkness just because of a four-letter word.
(SELF) LOVE.
My journey to self-love took years of back and forth discussions with myself. Years of unlearning and unpacking all the negative thoughts I held about myself.
There’s this freedom that comes from owning your flaws and loving yourself regardless. From realizing that there will only be one of you.
Related: Eighteen years – On loving all of me.
These days, My friends will be quick to tell you of how much I love myself and think I’m the shit. Of how I hype myself when I get an opportunity to and how they tire of me easily because of this. But what they don’t know is the length of time it took to get to this stage.
I’ve found that one of the best things you can do for yourself is love and accept yourself wholly.
Make peace with your body/ your self and you’re right on the road to freedom. Click To Tweet
Fortunately, one thing I got out of that experience was that I learned how to be alone. Contradictory right? The silence was all I ever really had anyways, so I had to get comfortable with it.
Although, I’ll be honest. Like everything else, it’s still a work in progress. Most days, I’m comfortable with the silence but on some days, the echo comes bouncing back breaking me in half.
(BEING) LOVE’D.
For the last four years, I was the recipient of a love that was in itself completely honest and sane. And oh how, I basked in it. In the sanity of it all, in the safety of it.
And maybe, just maybe. I got a little bit attached to the idea of always having someone that I started to forget how to be alone. So when the last four years came crashing down around my feet, I found myself in this mental block/depressed space and couldn’t take the “aloneness”.
I mourned the feeling of having someone more than I mourned the four years that would never become forever.
It’s a process that’s still on-going. This relearning to be alone and completely at peace with it. This looking for love less and less in people and more in myself and in His word.
It’s a battle that’s still ongoing but by God, One that I plan to fight till I win.
LOVE-ING. 
My past experience made me close in on myself. I didn’t know how to show love, how to speak love and I held myself back for fear of being hurt.
I’m Unpacking. Unlearning. Growing.
This year, one of the resolutions I made was to tell the people I love that I love them. To set the words free and set myself free in the process.
To be as extra as I want to. Like Bassey Ikpi says, to fuck fear and love anyways.
Although, I’ll forever be confused by how love is there one minute and gone the next. I’ll have to agree that It’s really such a beautiful thing. And I want to feel and receive it in all it’s entirety one day.
It’s the month of love and Valentine’s Day soon. I’ve never let Valentine’s day tension me and I won’t be starting now but here’s hoping that you remember to take care of yourself this Valentine’s Day. And every other day.
How To Be Alone.
I’m only too familiar with loneliness. It is another thing I know the taste of – that acrid taste that leaves an aftertaste even days after the feeling has passed. The nights spent feeling like the world is crashing down on you with no one noticing.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’ll know that it isn’t as easy to get out of like people make it seem. So I’m not going to belittle it and make it seem easy. But if it helps, here’s how I’ve dealt with my feeling of “alone-ness/loneliness” and how you can too.
- Treat Yourself.
- Be around family.
- Talk to someone.
- Allow yourself morning every day.
I’m putting together a little meet up (Galentine) for a few of my online fam next weekend – preferably if you’re single but I’m not discriminating. If it’s something you’ll like to be a part of, please let me know here.
What are your thoughts on love and selflove? If you’ve ever had issues with self-love, how did you overcome it? How do you take care of yourself?
P.S – I’m not referring to just romantic love in this post. It encompasses friendships too
P.P.S – Let’s ignore my flowers. hahaha
P.P.P.S – Shout out to my neighbor – Doncha for dropping everything to help me direct/take these pictures even though it was impromptu.
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- A lil Skin Love – Super simple skincare routine to pamper your skin
- This post on places/things to do in Lagos might come in handy for the last minute things to do/galentine’s hangout.
- Re-reading this Andrea Gibson’s poem and still feeling all the feels I felt the first time I happened upon it
This is an amazing read!!!! I’m still learning self love. And also how to stand alone in the time of adversity. I sadly learning th hard way because ever since I have left Luth I have been on my own and very lonely most times. But now, im learning to bask in the euphoria of my loneliness and love me. And not want to lean on anybody.
Love this. Like I always say, love is a process and we’ll all get there. I’m still learning and unlearning everyday.
Thank YOU sooo Much for this post cassie. I am in such a phase right now and it’s like I haven’t had the words to describe how I feel.
Reading this now has portrayed the words well.
Thanks Dear.
God Bless you.
This post is genuinely from the heart and I really felt it. Self love is something that took me so long to understand because why would I love myself when people don’t love me, till I discovered that No one can love me like I love myself. The feeling of loneliness was like an abyss in the heart. But sometimes, being alone is actually a needed step in the journey of self discovery. I can’t say I’m done with my journey but I can say it’s one that has helped me realise more about myself.
SOMETHING OFF MY RACK
Love how you bare yourself in this post.
One of my resolutions too this year is to express myself and stop leaving everything caged in. I’ve gotten really comfortable with my own company and I’m grateful for that. I’ve learnt to talk to myself as weird as that sounds; I’ve full blown conversations with myself, I’ve noticed that helps me a lot.
I knew when I began reading that all I wanted to do was drop this : ❤Hoping that in a way, in a way I know is only impossible, it’ll convey all I feel and want to say. I’m just feeling very volatile right now so I’ll keep it short to avoid a longer piece…
I know this place all too well. I’ve known love best from Jesus Christ and from the genuiness of my own heart towards people known or unknown. I know the fears and darkness that looms from not knowing how to love me and being sure i’m anything but enough, the fear of rejection if anything but strongest part of me was known by ANYONE, add to that, the constant call and need I’ve had ALL MY LIFE, well, almost, to take care of others. While that was a blessing, till this day, it’s so difficult to let someone be affectionate towards me or show the slightest concern for me, or even give up a seat for me. Ok. I’m doing what I didn’t want to. The point is, I lock people outside (except I need to “take care of them” and beat myself up for everything that I am or am not.
Learning: Love is so tender yet the strongest and it’s so pure in its original form. There’s a lot of counterfeit posing as love. Alot of twisted understanding about what love is.
For me, there’s nothing as great as finally getting to the place where I accept who Jesus says I am, and see myself as He does me. It’s so difficult accepting who I am a lot of times. It this journey of dropping the baggage is so precious. It’s such a privilege to go through this process of healing for the so many years deception was the key for my self abuse.
I just pray that on your own path, the boundaries of this exciting process isn’t set by anything that is counterfeit but on the love that is pure and incorruptible. Don’t give up too. You deserve to keep fighting for this freedom that is already yours. You are worth sticking on that path of utter liberation.
Phew! Don’t give up on me and these long comments. Sometimes I try!😭
Lots of love.
becauseibelieveblog.com
P.S. if that comment didn’t make any sense cause I’m really not sure how I’m coordinating tonight, blame it on a nagging headache.
I really enjoyed reading this post. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.
I love this and it reminds me a lot about myself and my journey. Funny enough, I launched my blog on an “in pursuit of joy/ self-love” something. LOL.
When it comes to Love and affection, this is definitely something many of us Africans experience as our parents weren’t that great at expressing their love to us or openly with each other.
I am on this journey, still, I got ways to go but I believe just refusing to feel pity for myself has really helped me. I choose to see Love in everything and acknowledge it as best as I can. Also making excuses as to why I don’t know how to receive or reciprocate love doesn’t help so I stopped making excuses and instead challenged myself to know, choose and show love as best as I can.
It’s as though you took brought a mirrorright to my soul. Extremely relatable on so many levels.
This must have been so hard baring this much about yourself on something so sensitive.
Sometimes I feel the need to talk but I just can’t.
This right here has made me feel better and realise that I’d really never grow until I try to heal from the mindset that love has to be given by someone else,. Thank you very much.
Ah, this post ♥. Let me start by gushing over how gorgeous these pictures of you are and how good the lippie looks on you. This post resonates too well with me and I was just smiling all through and also wondering how you managed to write about me, sorry yourself so well. You see what I did there? Lol. It was 101% relatable especially the bit about 4 years of being loved crumbling around your feet. In my head, I went why is this post all about me? Lol. This post is a sweet reminder that I’m not alone on this loving myself and being able to express love to others journey. Thank you 💃
Laitanbee.com
I hope you feel my hands locked in yours right now and feel the breeze of my peck against your cheeks, that’s me sliently saying ‘we are breaking forth together, one day at a time.’
Thank you for articulating all of my words/thoughts/emotions in this post.
This is amazing.
I feel like we’re friends…lol.
I love you too Cassie. Keep being amazing
This is such an amazing write-up.
This was so refreshing to read yet very triggering. i used to be obsessed about finding love and keeping it. i would literally chased down boys i liked and started dating them, then get bored and leave when it ended i would literally first feel homeless. when i turned 22, i almost killed myself because my childhood was such a mess that i didn’t even think i was lovable. I am turning 25 in a month and Girl, i have never felt more in sync with myself. i finally decided to find out what love actually meant, i am still learning. self love is me dancing in my room to Fela and any other 70’s music i find. it is me lip-syncing to Cardi B and feeling myself. it is me realising that it is only the love i give myself that will heal me and then face masks and all the recipes i get to cook up for myself.
Love is not an Expectation party_Kamnelechukwu Obasi . And this goes for friendships too. i am learning to be kinder and softer.
When i met my Namibian friend who totally moved to Nigeria to be with Us. i learnt that love is patient and moreso it is “Happy”
Finally. When it relates to how other people accept what we call love, we should realise that “you might be ready and the other person might not be ready,to know and understand that has been the most liberating thing that has happened to me”
oh and love is also finding the perfect shade of red lipstick.
P.S sorry i just wrote an entire blogpost in your comment section. lol. love you cass.
Oh well, we somehow spoke briefly about this and I am glad you’re finding peace with yourself despite all the emotional strength it took. Cheers to overcoming the days of feeling alone
I love this write up, I can’t really relate but I can in a way, lol, I’d love to attend the Galentine.
Hey Cassie,
It’s been a long time.
Thanks for being honest.
I would have never guessed you had this battle because you are so confident.
You exude this natural beauty and peace about who you are.
Never really got the chance to get to know you during our medilag days but one thing you taught me by just being yourself is to accept me and do my thing.
I wish you all the best in life.
Keep being you, learning you and allowing others know it’s okay to be totally awesome and still a work in progress.
This is such an amazing writeup. Thank you Cassie for touching people like us.
More grace to you
Self love is definitely not something that happens overnight, but when it’s achieved, it’s a great feeling. I also struggled with self love for a large part of my life because I felt nobody would like m and I didn’t fit in somehow, but thank God i was able to turn it around and start putting myself first.
I really loved this post, thank you for sharing cassie💙
http://theportablehub.com/6-tips-making-great-first-impression/
Whao!! I didn’t get to read this until now, but it’s a true phase of life I’m in now and I’ve helped myself by enjoying whatever inner beauty I’ve with myself and loved ones. The journey, no matter how long, is one we all have to take.
You.Are.Amazing
Like, really.
Thank you, for this
This post spoke to my soul. I’m in a constant tug of war between being my expressive shout i love you from the roof top self and swallowing my feelings… But I made a decision to love regardless, to love in spite of, not for them but for me because this world will not harden me. Amen.
Thank you,Cassie for sharing this your journey. It’s like there’s always a blog post here that connects with my everyday life. Reading your posts(musings) is always a light and a sort of manual that guides one through. Bless you
One of the most beautiful things I have read this week.
Such a beautiful post, Cassie. Your words are fire. You should definitely write a book. This seemed so poetic!
http://www.emetelivin.com.ng/
This is beautiful, thank you