I never thought I’d actually use that word to refer to myself anytime soon. “Insomniac”
My sleep pattern for the better part of my life has been fairly regular and predictable. I’m almost always able to initiate sleep when I want to and I almost always wake up somewhere around 2- 3 a.m , to mop around for a bit, before dozing off again and finally waking up somewhere around 6am.
But that hasn’t been the case recently. This past week has been “hellish” for me because sleep has eluded me and I can’t figure out why. This lack of sleep wouldn’t be so terrible if I didn’t have to also deal with the heat and mosquitoes that just doesn’t seem to go away no matter how many times we spray the house with insecticide.
These days, I spend my nights all wrapped up like a mummy to keep the mosquito bites away, while sweating, tossing/turning and praying for morning to relieve me of my misery.
If the sleepless nights were just the case, maybe I would be thankful but no! My mind decides to work overtime too and I start thinking of the million and one things I try to suppress during the day – one of which is my current and seemingly unending jobless state.
How I really don’t know what direction to go with my life right now – if to quit medicine and all the heart ache that has come with it since I graduated or just keep keeping the faith while starting my job applications all over again.
*sigh*
A few other things that cross my mind around this time also includes :
- My blog – of course my blog!
- My uncompleted goals for the year.
- Suicide. Though just fleeting and in a cowardly way – to escape the stress/heartaches of adulting and trying to make something of myself. (I think I need to add that I’m not depressed or anything and it’s more of just a quick thought. In a “shebi if I die now, all this stress will end” type way)
- How much I really need to develop a relationship with God.
- Starting preparations for next year’s blog planners.
- How much I’d really like to be married right about now. If only to be able to have someone to be next to right now, ya know.
Currently? I’m thinking of whether to actually make this a post or just send it out to my email subscribers. I like to send out little personal musings to them (whether or not they care to know haha).
Its 5am now and I’ve officially been up all night for the fourth day in a row.
I’m hoping this insomnia is just a phase that would clear out soon and I’d be back to my regular and normal sleep routine again.
I really hope! But for now, maybe I should try to get some work done. And oh yes! Send a mail to my subscribers.
it's funny how we are in different states and feel the same way,every single thing written here is me right now, but what gets me through the funk everyday is believing that everything good will come sometimes slowly but surely, you are deserving as much as the next person,about the sleep thing:I try taking a cup of green tea before I lay down, surprisingly it calms me down a Lil, you are not alone Cass. one more thing Rom 8:28-39 is s good place to start. stay strong.
xoxo
Edensue
it's funny how we are in different states and feel the same way,every single thing written here is me right now, but what gets me through the funk everyday is believing that everything good will come sometimes slowly but surely, you are deserving as much as the next person,about the sleep thing:I try taking a cup of green tea before I lay down, surprisingly it calms me down a Lil, you are not alone Cass. one more thing Rom 8:28-39 is s good place to start. stay strong.
xoxo
Edensue
Thank you Susan! My mum is the green tea obsessed person here but I guess I can give it a try.
I hope you feel better soon, please feel free to easage me whenever you feel like talking too. ❤❤❤
Lol! I think we all do. I usually just take a pick of any of my law books to read and in a couple of minutes I'm faaaaar away. Maybe try that next time 😊
Lhurve Davies Blog
Lol! Funny enough, nothing cures this one oh. I'm thinking that maybe if the conditions were okay (no heat or mosquitoes), I might be able to sleep. Thanks alot for trying to suggest a solution
Suicide ke? Biko ooo. See babe you are doing good, better than good sef, you are fabulous, in fact you are Gucci itself (LOL). Just work on your relationship with God and you'd be surprised with the peace that comes with it. Just remember that eventually God always rewards hardwork & faithfulness.
Aww wumi, thank youuu for the compliments! Lol
Don't worry, Its just a pasing thought. I still have lots of milestones in actually really looking forward to in life. Lol
Thank you so much baby girl, I appreciate you ❤
Woow..it was really bold of you sharing such deep thoughts, thanks dear.
http://www.madeinaugustbymarian.com
Thank you for reading Marian. It's been a while I saw a comment from you here. Really nice to see your name pop up on my blog again.
This phase will soon pass Cassie. but whenever you wake up again try talking to God….. tell him Just How you feel, that way you build a relationship with him and he'll sing you a lullaby and stroke you while you doze off!
The suicide thing is just a scam… I had my share and blurting it out helps take it out of your mind too.
I know you know that getting married right now won't solve the problem…..
you'd be fine dear.
TheBeautifulEagle
Hey Ugo. Thank you!
Lol yes I know. I'm definitely not going to commit suicide – I'm a bit excited about the future and I Won't want to cut that short.
Just sharing a few of what goes through my mind briefly.
Same.goes for the marriage thing.
Eish Cassie…. Why do I have a feeling it's because your body isn't yet adapted to Nigeria? You'll pull through, don't worry. It's only a phase. It can't last forever.
Laitanbee Blog
I dunnoooooo. I slept well and normally the first week I got back so I'm not sure if that's the case. I hope so too! I don't know why some people think insomnia is cool but this is just stresss
This is very normal first, you sleep pattern changed when you travelled to obodo oyibo the to time difference. I'm presently in Dubai which is 3hours ahead of Nigerian time and i find myself awake till 2am or 3am (normally I sleep around 11pm). Secondly the insomnia is normal especially when you are thinking too much and your laundry list of thoughts confirms same. I haven't really figured out how to deal with it when it happens to me, I just find something to occupy myself with. My sister suggest I pray (The Rosary for us Catholics) and then sleep beckons. It worked for me like twice. And yes to developing a deeper relationship with God and in finding true purpose in life.
Cheers
Nkem (HomeWorth Interiors)
I know the feeling Cassie, I think its mainly because you have a lot on your mind. It'll pass. As for the job aspect, God"ll see you through. PS: You really should develop that relationship with him. It'll go a long way to help!
http://www.theomoteenueffect.com
Insomnia sucks! It sucks big time. Ive dealt with it since I was 16. My body seems to reject sleeping pills now. How I f7nction during the day I dont know. I tend to forget stuff easily cos duh! I pray its just a phase for you cos insomnia sucks.
As for wishing you were married now hehe… Nice thought.
I wont even talk about the fleeting thought of suicide. I know you wouldnt dare. Abi?
Epiphany29.com
Friendship X Ankara Love
I can't tell you how many times I've had difficulties with sleep. It's so annoying yet so calming feeling like you're alone in the world when the rest of the world is asleep. I usually go out for a walk to calm my mind (thankfully Iceland is bright all day/night during the summer season). I hope you'll be getting back to your usual routine soon. x
Awww don't worry Cassie, it'll definitely pass.
Try not to eat dinner too late in the evening, i find that it keeps me restless during the night.
xx.
SNF: Taking Stock 06
SkyNotFancy
Oh those thoughts that come to mind when you are up in the dead of the night. Deep thoughts. My own suicide thought is more like, Jesus should come and carry me to heaven(I'm tired of this world) But I'm the laziest person when it comes to the things of God…hahahahaha!(not even funny at all). That verse of the bible that says "remember him in the days of your youth" wasn't just mere words. He does know that at this stage of our lives, things around would contest for our heart and time too.
And insomnia is definitely a sign that you are growing up and you are itching to see all your plans and aspirations become reality.
Beautifully June
Awww Cassie, this too shall pass. Just trust God because you really can not do all what needs to be done on your own. That's how I operate these days. I just ask Jesus to take the wheel because He says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Hope you get to sleep better. May the peace that passes all understanding keep your heart and mind in Christ.
PreciousCore.com
Iv had long bouts of insomnia in my life for various reasons, when I'm nervous, troubled, working on something huge etc. That feeling when you close your eyes but your mind does not just shutdown… Your brain keeps running, and you wake up exhausted, it's tiring tbh. I would have said your body is yet to adjust to the weather but we ruled out that option, The other thing is your mind is probably not at rest for some reason. Music helps calm my nerves a bit, you can also try Cammomine tea… It's relaxing.
We'd survive and thrive beautifully. Whether it's about the blog concerns, sleep issues, our relationship with God and men; goals we should be fulfilling and those to come, the pressure of expectations, all of those stuff… We'd survive and thrive beautifully, Cassie. I pray God keeps holding, guiding and nurturing you.
Much love.
Cassie,let me share my story. I understand searching for house job. I had to wait 3 months after graduation to get it. I understand the frustration. It is like my frustration being 4x for you. I had to go on a silent retreat as I was getting so angry. I bashed my dad's car, 2 for that matter. Then I bashed our gate at home. And I have been driving for 6 years and I had never bashed a car. I was so angry, aggressive and insultive. Then I did the silent retreat in Benin Edo State for 8 days and I talked to God. We talked and he told me TRUST…SANDRA YOU DOUBT TOO MUCH. I cried when He spoke those words to me. Anyway, I came out of the retreat happy and trusting. A week after, I got a job. The term of the job was that I won't get paid, a supranumerary. I asked God if this is the plan, and He said, remember Trust! I told my parents and they encouraged me to go saying; Sandra, forget the money, you will make money. But time you won't buy once it is gone. Plus I had a plan to launch my start up after house job by Jan 2017, I needed no delay. So, I went and worked like crazy with no pay. The work load was simply crazy. I lost weight, I look like bones. Anyway, hospital staffs started complaining when they heard we were not paid about 8 of us. Some left but I continued with my vision in mind. When we became three, the hospital now said they would pay. My pay is #65000 which is half what my friends collect for house job. But, I didn't worry. There is a plan! So in June, the workload was killing me, I was so tired, I considered death, abi if I die, this will end! I was losing track of Trusting in God. Then I fell sick and required injections and iv drugs. My body broke down. This was a week to my birthday. I told God that I was tired and did not know His plan. I do this every year, as I reflect on my life as my birthday approaches. I was asking Him my purpose, my dreams, marriage, money etc. On my birthday, I still had not recovered, was having diarrhoea. I could not eat all the pizza and ice cream that was bought for me. I didn't know how to celebrate. Then I decided to go for Mass and thank God. I went 1 hour before Mass and was talking to God. On the 23rd of June when I clocked 23, I had a life changing experience. It's profound. I cry when I tell people. I am tearing up now. So, I told God, what do you want? Where is my life headed? What does it mean to be 23? God spoke. He told me:Take one step at a time. DO not worry, u r more important than the birds in the field, why worry. Allow God be God Darling Sandra. Abandon all to God,worry about now and doing now WELL like it's your last…Darling Sandra, you doubt so much…Depend on Me, For I AM. Offer the difficulties, tiredness, annoyance. Everything offer it Dear Child! Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matt 11: 28-30 dear one.
Be faithful dear one. When things get tough which they will. Keep going on!
Your purpose is to win souls, serving souls. Let men see the glory of God in your work. When fear and doubt comes, be wary it is the Devil. Say to fear…I am going to be what God says. I CRIED in church. I could not help it. He told me to write it down which I did! I thank God because I can always go back. And ever since then, I wake up with so much purpose and high spirit…Abi you know😉 I see the world differently. I SEE NO LIMITS. IMPOSSIBLE DOESN'T COUNT. I CAN DO ALL BECAUSE GOD HAS MY BACK.
Long story short, everything has a reason and purpose. Until you look at it from a supernatural reason from God, you will be frustrated. Cassandra JUST TRUST GOD! Thank you.
Thank you soooooooo much for sharing this Sandra. Thank you! I really really appreciate it. I'm actually sitting here and crying reading this. God bless you! ❤❤❤❤
This comment gave me a lot of hope. Just what I needed to motivate me this week. Thanks for sharing Sandra.
evitainprogress.blogspot.com
I'm not one to open up about stuff like this (I always feel I'll be putting my sadness and depression on others so I just laugh on the surface and suffer inside lol) but Maaaaahn! This comment, I CAN RELATE!!! Finished nysc 2yrs ago and that was when proper depression kicked in!!! Suicidal thoughts happened but whenever I think of my family, friends and what I still have to offer, I just caution myself cos can’t ex like that o *anyi ga ahu ishi uwa a* (and I cannot come and kii myself and go to hellfire…I won’t let that be my story). Anyhoo, till today depression comes once in a while, Insomnia too but I’m proper positive about the future and I’m better than 2yrs ago for sure.
Cassie you're not alone, never forget God is preparing you for something bigger. I mean, he's building up your strength today for you to rule tomorrow innit? So go through this stage as happy as you can and know that it'll get better. I always tell myself "Delay is not Denial" and then I move on and leave the rest to God.
Thank you Sandra Onwuekwe for sharing this, it definitely felt nice to let out a part of this…maybe I should turn it into a post (or not) lol. xx
It's Munastic
Hi Cassie, I read a lot of your posts but have been lazy dropping you a comment. Hang on there, funny enough I wish I'm in your shoes "insomnia-wise" as I got a lot I want to make happen within the shortest possible time. Lol. Keep the dreams alive, this too shall pass. Getting closer to God will definitely help. Cheers.
Hang in there boo! I encourage that relationship with God, it is your gift through this phase and one you will still need when God brings you through it. Everything will glorify God and lift you, even your struggles and pain – this is what I'm learning
Love,
Mary
Everything would fall in place in due time.. Just keep trusting in God
May God bless you and grant you all of your heart desires .Amen
I totally get this!!! I'm currently stuck in school unjustly while my mates are having the summer of their lives. I'm still mad and tired of this life but gotta keep pushing. The relationship with God is key. So many things have been pointing me to that recently so I know it's what would get us through this. I want to marry too oo hannn. Soon Soon
http://www.toyinwithfashion.com
These are some really deep thoughts and honestly sharing with us is simply amazing, one thing I would say is that you're not alone. These things happens to the best of us but how do you prove that they got nothing on you? You keep pushing forward. The suffering, stress and insomnia of today is nothing compared to the glory ahead. Push forward, challenge yourself and this too shall pass❤
P.s you can check out my last #Mondayinspiration for a little boost😉
http://www.Portableisthenewot.blogspot.com
Cassie, Thanks for email. The comment really inspired me. A lot has been going on lately. My life lately just look like a crumbling stack of cards from my own point of view. But I believe it's all gon get better. Cassie you can try taking sleeping pills. But most importantly find inner peace.
Insomnia is one of the many things I've been 'allowed' to experience. At first I was like what the heck yeah? I'm gonna be up all night. It continued for some days and that was the time the devil really got a hold of me, I was doing nasty stuffs, I experienced self hate. I would wake up crying to God and literally begging him, telling Him I'm sorry, actually I was.
I totally agree with Sandra, moments like this one really needs God like……… at first I thought insomnia was just 'one of those things' but then I got to understand its kinda a spiritual problem, if you actually read psalm 127 vs 2, we all ( children of God) are entitled to an awesome night rest also I totally agree with Sandra again on the winning souls thing. Trust me, I started it last year cause it was a church agenda but now I understand the whole point of winning souls, I mean the testimonies I've been hearing are AWESOME. I think I'm typing much yeah? But really my point is there's practically only one person we'll ever need to solve our 'shitty problems' and that's God. I mean just some few words to Him and that's God.
It's definitely a phase and the meaning of a phase is something that'll come and GO, I mean it's has to GO.
Bout the job? It's definitely not gonna click, as long as you don't give up, who's God to give up on you. You know He's more than able.
Btw I'm one of those weird admirers and I intend on stealing your entire wardrobe so when I'm coming to carry out my act, I'll let you know.
Love & light.
Thanks for sharing Cassie; I actually missed this post till your mail came in and I was curious about the comment as you already spoke about it on snapchat. I feel you Cassie, truth is I've been dealing with insomnia for years now. My mum has taken me to the family pharmacist, our pastor has given me verses to read and how to pray, I've used drugs, done the cocoa drink & pap drink everynight. What haven't I tried? And funny thing is people keep saying it's cause I'm thinking. I definitely can recognize the cause (lost a dear friend dec 11, 2013. Was coping with heartbreak and also prepping for school test and all) but I'm yet to overcome this thing. So I key into faith to also TRUST. I have a lot on my mind as per I'm jobless too and NYSC isn't half of what I thought it'd be… It's all just scary, confusing, and choking. But again I choose to trust. Please read Luke 11;5-13.
This is my story! It's funny how you're currently experiencing stuff in your life and you feel like its you alone in the world that's feeling that way. It's not true. I like the fact that somehow, you're expressing yourself in the most honest way possible.
Personally, I noticed that my insomnia results from having done a bad thing (the Bible says No rest for the wicked. Lol!), having a very serious surge of new ideas that I feel the need to implement (my mind works overtime), and when I am having boy issues.
So, I talk to God. That's the only thing I know how to do. I literally open my mouth and start yapping away about how my life is going and telling Him to fix it. On the other hand, I check for posts from thegoodquote on Instagram, and somehow my mind settles and I know that its a phase and I'll be alright soon enough. We gon' be alright.
Hey, Cassie! I appreciate your candor. Don't die o! Please. Lol. I actually just read in Psalms 28 that says God is our Rock, strength, shield and shepherd. He will direct you to the right things to do per season and he will strengthen you for your tasks. He makes us strong and he trains our hands for battle!
It will work out and then you'll be snoozing like Jo'!